One of the most important listening techniques that I have come across is what has been called the SOFTENER Technique.
S mile
O pen Body
F orward Lean
T ouch
E ye Contact
N odding
E nergy Level
R elative Distance

Smile- Sounds simple, doesn’t it? When someone is talking to you, smile! So few people do it, and most who do it abuse it. Don’t just stand there smiling the entire time. The speaker gets the feeling that they are not important, nothing special about them, that you just smile at everyone and everything that walks by. Instead do what Liel calls a “Flooding Smile.” Instead of immediately smiling, take a second, pause, look at the speaker’s face, then slowly smile. The speaker feels as if though you are smiling because of them, and they get the feeling that you find them special. They will be drawn to you and your magnificent smile!

Open Body Language- Close your eyes, imagine that you are speaking to someone. They are standing still, arms crossed, not moving at all. Did you feel comfortable? Did you get the feeling that the other speaker had more important things on his mind? Often times this is the way we listen and we don’t even realize the negative message we are sending out. Instead of crossing your arms, simple place your hands behind your back. Not only is it comfortable, but you give off the impression that you are extremely interested in the other speaker.

Forward Lean- Have you ever really looked around in the movie theater? You can always tell when the climax of the movie is because everyone is on the edge of their seats. It shows that they are extremely interested in what is going on. Just like at the movies, when you are engaged in a conversation, lean forward a little and let the person speaking know that you are hanging on their every word. Now don’t lean to far, and don’t lean all the time, just every now and then and only when appropriate.

Touch- When you are speaking with someone, and they reach out and touch your arm or your hand, how does it make you feel? A light simple touch gives the speaker a sense that a connection has been made. When a person tells a joke, laugh, smile, touch their shoulder or arm, and make a little comment about how funny they are.

BE VERY CAREFUL!!!! It is VERY easy to give the wrong impression with light touches. There are some social rules that must be followed. First off only touch a person 1 time, anymore and it’s too much. Second, do not touch at work. Third, if you are a male, be careful that you will not offend a female speaker.

Eye Contact- We hear all the time how important eye contact is, yet we still don’t do it. You should close out the world and focus on the speaker. The other day I was in a meeting with a business associate. Several times in our hour long meeting, he looked at his watch, his cell phone, and the people walking by. Now I’m sure he had reasons for doing this, maybe he had a meeting to go to afterwards and was on a tight schedule? Maybe he was supposed to meet someone? Whatever the case, I felt like he was bored with what I was saying and was looking around for anything that was more exciting.

Another time when you should have great eye contact is when you are speaking to a group of people. Now there are many who believe that you should scan the room, making brief eye contact with everyone and keep your eyes moving. I feel that this just creates an illusion of being aware of your audience. Instead, as you are speaking, look directly into the eyes of a random individual for a few seconds. Not only does this let them know that you are aware of them, but they will make certain to pay extra attention in case you look at them again. Now be careful not to stare, just a few seconds, with a warm smile should do the trick.

Nodding- Nodding your head up and down not only lets the speaker know that you are interested and engaged in the conversation, but it also lets them know that you are listening. Have you ever had a conversation with someone and they nod their head side to side? This is an indication that the listener has made up their, the speaker is wrong, and they have stopped listening and are ready for a rebuttal. Another thing that you can do wrong is be a human bobble-head. Only nod occasionally, and when the speaker is making a point, even if you do not agree with the point.

Energy Level- This is perhaps the most important aspect for the SOFTENER Listening Technique. Now don’t be bouncing off the walls, but don’t stand there completely emotionless like a corpse. Be excited, SHOW them that you are listening. Take deep breathes, get some oxygen to your brain. Be awake and energized.

Relative Distance- The distance between yourself and the speaker is very important. Too far away, and it feels as if though you are not involved. Too close and you are invading a persons personal space. A good rule of thumb is that you should be about an arms length away.

Now go out and practice these techniques. Use them all the time with everyone you speak with.

How do you answer the telephone? Next time, try this little trick. When the phone rings, you can still look at the caller id so you know who is calling, but instead of greeting the person right away, just say hello as if it was anyone else calling. Once the caller has spoken and you have had time to “recognize” their voice, greet them again by name and enthusiasm. Sounds confusing right, let me give you an example.

Sarah: Hello (unexcited, uninterested, just a simple hello)
Katrina: Hey Sarah
Sarah: Katrina! I was just thinking of you, it’s great to talk to you!

Can you see how the way Sarah answers the phone will make Katrina feel special. It sounds like Sarah’s excitement came about only once she knew that she was talking to Katrina. This way Katrina gets the feeling that Sarah really is excited to talk to her.
I’ve been using this technique for years now with great results. The person always gets excited knowing my enthusiasm comes based off of them. Give it a try and see what kind of results you get.

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