The other night I was supposed to meet with a person that I am coaching at 6:30 PM at a local coffee shop. At 6:45 I called and left a message. At 7:00 PM I left another message. Finally at 7:30 I left to come back home. The coffee shop is 15 minutes away from my house, and to get ready for the meeting, it took me about 30 minutes. So all said and done, I had just wasted 1 hour at the coffee shop, 1 hour driving back and forth, and 30 minutes getting ready for a total of 2 and a half hours.

I finally got a text message around 10:00 PM that said, “Hey, I fell asleep after I got off of work. Sorry.”

That’s it, no real apology, no real explanation. How likely do you think I am to work with this person again?

I started thinking about how little apologies mean because of how little thought goes into them. How many times a day do you hear, “I’m sorry” said with no emotion or sincerity? Here are 7 points to include in a sincere apology:

1. Be sincere in your apology- “I’m sincerely sorry…”
2. What you did- “That I missed our meeting.”
3. Why you did it, don’t justify by using the word ‘because’- “I had fallen asleep when I got home from work.”
4. How the other person felt- “I know that you must be feeling that I am not reliable…”
5. How it impacted the other person- “And that you wasted a lot of time waiting for me…”
6. Tell them how you can fix it- “But I would really appreciate it if you gave me another chance.”
7. Apologize again and why- “I really am sorry I missed our meeting”

Can you see the difference? Do you think I would work with this person again if they had given me that response? Of course I would because they just let me know that they value my time and want to put forth the effort to make things right. Also, having a sincere apology that explains what happens and how to fix things also does wonders when it comes to defusing a volatile situation.

“Josh, this is Karla. Karla, this is Josh”

And once the introductions are made, the conversation sounds similar to this:

“Hi Karla, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too Josh”

But then the conversation dies. It’s not Josh’s fault and it’s not Karla’s fault, the fault lies with the introduction. When you introduce two people, what you really want to do is build a relationship. For that to happen, you must give a foundation for the relationship to build on. Instead of just telling each other the names, why not give them some information about each other so that they can actually have a conversation. Here are 6 techniques that have proven effective for me:

1. Similar Interests: Chung, I know how much you love Germany. My friend Nickie actually just got back from Germany last week.
2. Their hobbies: Jessica, this is David. Like you, he has also been playing tennis for years.
3. Their talents: Frodo, I’d like you to meet Samwise. Sam is an incredible gardener.
4. An interesting fact: Robin, this is Ted. Did you know that Ted actually licked the Liberty Bell?
5. A professional relationship starter: Nam, this is Anthony who is the CIO of XYZ Corporation. Anthony, Nam is an IT Consultant who specializes in DBA.
6. Say something nice: Carie, I’d like you to meet Rhyan. Rhyan is by far one of the funniest people I know.

As you can see, introducing people can be fun and easy. Simply give the names, and then a little bit of information so that they can begin a conversation. Not only will the two people have a better conversation, but you will begin to have the reputation of being known as a people connector.

Does it come as a surprise to learn that only 1 out of every 9 people knows how to breathe correctly? The average person inhales about 2,500 gallons of air each day during 20,000 to 26,000 breaths, at the rate of 15 to 18 inhales per minute. This rate, which is considered “normal”, is actually too fast! This faster breathing, hyperventilation, takes 20% more energy than breathing from the diaphragm.

Deep breathing stimulates and massages your internal organs, tones the diaphragm and abdominal muscles. When you exhale, 70% of your body’s toxins are released. That is the reason that deep breathing is so powerful and a natural detoxifier.

Look at a baby when it is laying down, and pay attention to how it breathes. The baby’s stomach will go up and down because it is breathing through its diaphragm. To begin breathing properly, perform the following exercise. First you have to find out if you are breathing properly or not. Lay down comfortably and place one hand on your abdomen and one on your chest. Take a deep

breath and notice if your hands rise and fall during inhale and exhale or if your chest does. If you are breathing properly, your chest will stay still while your stomach will rise and fall. To start the exercise, follow these steps:

1. Slowly inhale through your nose to the count of 5, pushing your hands up with your stomach.
2. Hold your breath for another count of 5
3. Slowly exhale through your mouth for a count of 5, while letting your hands fall down.
4. Repeat this process for 5 minutes.
5. When you feel comfortable with this exercise, do it for at least 5 minutes twice a day.

In about a week, you will notice increased energy and an alert focus you haven’t felt in a long time.

Smile- Sounds simple, doesn’t it? When someone is talking to you, smile! So few people do it, and most who do it abuse it. Don’t just stand there smiling the entire time. The speaker gets the feeling that they are not important, nothing special about them, that you just smile at everyone and everything that walks by. Instead do what Liel calls a “Flooding Smile.” Instead of immediately smiling, take a second, pause, look at the speaker’s face, then slowly smile. The speaker feels as if though you are smiling because of them, and they get the feeling that you find them special. They will be drawn to you and your magnificent smile!

Open Body Language- Close your eyes, imagine that you are speaking to someone. They are standing still, arms crossed, not moving at all. Did you feel comfortable? Did you get the feeling that the other speaker had more important things on his mind? Often times this is the way we listen and we don’t even realize the negative message we are sending out. Instead of crossing your arms, simple place your hands behind your back. Not only is it comfortable, but you give off the impression that you are extremely interested in the other speaker.

Forward Lean- Have you ever really looked around in the movie theater? You can always tell when the climax of the movie is because everyone is on the edge of their seats. It shows that they are extremely interested in what is going on. Just like at the movies, when you are engaged in a conversation, lean forward a little and let the person speaking know that you are hanging on their every word. Now don’t lean to far, and don’t lean all the time, just every now and then and only when appropriate.

Touch- When you are speaking with someone, and they reach out and touch your arm or your hand, how does it make you feel? A light simple touch gives the speaker a sense that a connection has been made. When a person tells a joke, laugh, smile, touch their shoulder or arm, and make a little comment about how funny they are.

BE VERY CAREFUL!!!! It is VERY easy to give the wrong impression with light touches. There are some social rules that must be followed. First off only touch a person 1 time, anymore and it’s too much. Second, do not touch at work. Third, if you are a male, be careful that you will not offend a female speaker.

Eye Contact- We hear all the time how important eye contact is, yet we still don’t do it. You should close out the world and focus on the speaker. The other day I was in a meeting with a business associate. Several times in our hour long meeting, he looked at his watch, his cell phone, and the people walking by. Now I’m sure he had reasons for doing this, maybe he had a meeting to go to afterwards and was on a tight schedule? Maybe he was supposed to meet someone? Whatever the case, I felt like he was bored with what I was saying and was looking around for anything that was more exciting.

Another time when you should have great eye contact is when you are speaking to a group of people. Now there are many who believe that you should scan the room, making brief eye contact with everyone and keep your eyes moving. I feel that this just creates an illusion of being aware of your audience. Instead, as you are speaking, look directly into the eyes of a random individual for a few seconds. Not only does this let them know that you are aware of them, but they will make certain to pay extra attention in case you look at them again. Now be careful not to stare, just a few seconds, with a warm smile should do the trick.

Nodding- Nodding your head up and down not only lets the speaker know that you are interested and engaged in the conversation, but it also lets them know that you are listening. Have you ever had a conversation with someone and they nod their head side to side? This is an indication that the listener has made up their, the speaker is wrong, and they have stopped listening and are ready for a rebuttal. Another thing that you can do wrong is be a human bobble-head. Only nod occasionally, and when the speaker is making a point, even if you do not agree with the point.

Energy Level- This is perhaps the most important aspect for the SOFTENER Listening Technique. Now don’t be bouncing off the walls, but don’t stand there completely emotionless like a corpse. Be excited, SHOW them that you are listening. Take deep breathes, get some oxygen to your brain. Be awake and energized.

Relative Distance- The distance between yourself and the speaker is very important. Too far away, and it feels as if though you are not involved. Too close and you are invading a persons personal space. A good rule of thumb is that you should be about an arms length away.

Now go out and practice these techniques. Use them all the time with everyone you speak with.

Sarah: Hello (unexcited, uninterested, just a simple hello)
Katrina: Hey Sarah
Sarah: Katrina! I was just thinking of you, it’s great to talk to you!

Can you see how the way Sarah answers the phone will make Katrina feel special. It sounds like Sarah’s excitement came about only once she knew that she was talking to Katrina. This way Katrina gets the feeling that Sarah really is excited to talk to her.
I’ve been using this technique for years now with great results. The person always gets excited knowing my enthusiasm comes based off of them. Give it a try and see what kind of results you get.

You have been told a thousand times make backups of your computer files! Backup! Backup! Backup! But it takes too long and who has the time. Maybe you will do it once every few months, when you remember to. But we always wish we would have taken the time when we accidentally delete a file or our computer crashes. If only there was a way to backup your files automatically.

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Mozy offers two different accounts for creating your online backups:

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Adam: “Hey Kim, thanks for lunch.”
Kim: “Sure, It was no big deal.”

Does this sound familiar? Do you do the same thing, or worse, when you are paid a compliment? You maybe trying to be humble, but this is not what comes across. Two things happen when you deflect a compliment.

1. Your subconscious doesn’t know when you are kidding or not. When you say, “It was no big deal“, your subconscious believes it. Another thing about your subconscious… IT DOESN’T LIKE TO BE WRONG! So the message that Kim’s subconscious receives is that spending time with Kim is an insignificant event.
2. When you pay someone a compliment, and they shrug it off, and aren’t really appreciative, how do you feel? A little hurt, a little defensive. After all, you were just trying to be thoughtful. That is the exact feeling that you give someone when you aren’t receptive to their compliment.

Why not thank them for the compliment and then tell them how you feel about it? People are very emotional and we want to know the impact we make in people’s lives. How would Adam feel if Kim handled the situation like this:

Adam: “Hey Kim, Thanks for lunch.”
Kim: “Thank you Adam. I’ve really wanted to spend some time with you and I’m glad we got that chance today.”

Can you see how Kim’s new replay makes Adam feel? He will probably feel very special and be assured that Kim really values their friendship. At the same time, Kim’s subconscious is assured of her value in her friendships.

The next time you are given a compliment, take a moment to really thank the person and let them know why you valued their compliment. You will feel better about yourself, and the person giving the compliment will be more likely to do it again.

If you are unable to remember someone’s first name, simply ask them: “What’s your name?” When they reply with their first name, laugh and say “Oh no, I knew that, of course. I meant your last name”. This is a much more acceptable thing to forget–and you still get their full name.

Another trick that I do is try to figure out who the person is by asking generic questions, and then narrowing it down till you figure out who it is. Say you meet someone at a Seattle Mariners Baseball Game at Safeco Field (not that I am biased or anything) while in line for a Major League Hot Dog. These are the steps that I follow:

1. Ask when the last time was that you saw each other. This will give you a great indication of the time period you have to think back to.
   Me:“WOW, it’s great to see you again. It’s been a while, when was the last time we saw each other?”
   Them:“It’s been a long time, I think High School.”
2. Ask about friends you had in common. Many times when you find out their social circle, it will ring a bell. You will now know when the last time was you saw each other and common friends.
   Me: “Do you still keep in touch with anyone from back then? How is everyone?
   Them: “I still talk to Steve Burch, Brian Bill, and Mark Cornell. They are all doing great.”
3. Ask them about a favorite moment you two had. Often times an event will jog your memory. Although you have been asking a lot of questions, the other person feels that you are showing interest in their lives.
   Me: “We sure had some great times, what was your favorite moment?”
   Them: “It has to be the time we went to the Seattle Mariner’s Ground Breaking Ceremony for Safeco Field with Brian.”
4. Ask them for their phone number and ask them how to spell their last name. If you still don’t know who the person is, there is one last trick that I use. You might be in trouble if their last name is Smith, but just make a joke of you thought that they spelled it differently.
   Me: Do you mind if we keep in touch? What’s your phone number? How do you spell your last name again?”
   Them: Sure, it’s (987) 654-3210. My last name is spelled S – W – A – N.

Now based off all of those responses, plus the last name, I have figured out that it is my friend from High School, Nick Swan.

When I meet someone, I use the following technique to remember them, as well as make a lasting impression on them:

1. Take the initiative and introduce yourself: “Hello, my name is Rohit Rohila” in a formal setting, or “Hi, I’m Ro” in an informal setting.
2. They will tell you their name in return. In this example we will say that I meet a person named Bonnie.
3. Once you know their name, make eye contact, and slowly smile (a key technique that will be explained in greater detail in the future). Having a slow smile lets them know that you are smiling because of them, and not because they are just another body. Once you are smiling and looking them in the eyes, repeat their name and then ask them an amazing question. “Hi Bonnie, how is your day so far?” She will give the automatic response of “good” or “fine” and may even ask you the same question in return. Now what is so special about that question? I’m sure you already ask it every day. Well the magic is in the follow up question: “So what’s the best thing that’s happened to you today?”A question like, ‘What’s the best thing that has happened to you today?’ will leave the person in shock. No one ever asks a question like that. They will pause, recap their day in their mind, and then tell you what happened to them. Let’s say the highlight of Bonnie’s day is that she is celebrating the 5-day anniversary of her newly found relationship. Now the key, REMEMBER WHAT THEY TELL YOU!!!
4. When the conversation has come to an end, simply recap what has happened, “It was very nice to meet you Bonnie, and I hope that he takes you to a nice dinner for your 6th day anniversary tomorrow!”
5. Walk away with a smile.

Now say I run into Bonnie again but can’t recall her name. However, I ask her how her new relationship is. Which do you think will make Bonnie feel more special, remembering her name, or her story?